“This is what my life looks like when nobody is watching.”
Come in, close the door and hit the snooze button. All of me that can be seen is not the me inside. She’s out there, the other me. That other me might be homeless, maybe a queen but it is certain that the other me has seen things that the real me has never seen. She’s a poet, a knight and the hero, out in that big bright beautiful world. She gets the girl and the laughs. Close the door because I didn’t chase those glory days. I’m not cool, I am a tired old fool. I learned to drink my coffee cold, to stay awake on tired feet. I tell myself I’m rich at last in money and in time. I pour myself a glass of whatever she’s having. Hit the snooze button because I can’t amuse myself. Counting, so much unnoticed counting of things when eyes are elsewhere. My years, my money, my friends as they dwindle down to those in truth. The moments explode with every tick of the clock and click of the door. I’m too young for this one and too old for that one. Meanwhile, she’s out there being the perfect age and the perfect weight. I’m not a tree doing purposeful work with breezes, I am a shrub. I can’t afford many things. I can’t afford to be an artist. I can’t afford not to be an artist. The rules are set in opposition and vanity is not my favorite sin. I fancy myself a fan of lust because shit never gets real. Perhaps though, envy is what I’m most guilty of. Green for her and what she still believes in out there in front of the masses. Maybe I could lose my hurt and anger, goddamn it all I try, I try. I hear the laughter she sparks in so many from in here. Hark the sounds of joy, that bitch is funny. Shift. Tilt. Askew. I contort my perspective out of boredom and play the what if game. Love doesn’t make us perfect, it just makes us want to be, so why does it avoid me so? Do I need new eyes or new surroundings? Do I run this time? How do I wipe the glitter and grease from my bed? Can you Shout that out? Fear has hidden my heart away. She’s out there being kind in the world and I can’t understand why, when the world has never shown a kindness. I dream of marigolds and wine until suddenly it’s orchids and swine. You there, with that face in the mirror, that face full of judgement, I see that you don’t see me. Rose tinted glasses, shit, I lost my glasses. I’m missing two of my four eyes. Still, here I go, this is what I see.
On the edge of the mirror is a smile. Hello mirror, hello smile. There’s a faint chorus hitting a whistle tone beyond what is right and what is wrong. Nobody needs to love me here. I don’t make promises here. Pie crust promises are left in the real world. Time is not wasted as I stare out into the abyss. All the fears and all the disappointments spoon me to sleep. There are no clocks, only crickets. No laughter and no movie quotes roll off my tongue. On the edge of the bed is a dog and what I left in my pocket. Hello bed, hello dog. Chapstick, a knife and some change make it out of my pants. Hello moisture, hello reality, hello 401k. Don’t say moist you asshole. Insert me freaking the fuck out, right about…HERE. I’m a rebel just for kicks now, so let me kick it like it’s 1986. I chew gum and smoke in your face like a bad kid, you know, the outcast, the loner and the weird kid. Speaking of which, cue the text messages. Those are always with me and nobody sees. Nobody sees all the cords attached to all my vices, oops, DEvices. Connected to none by being connected to all. There’s a sketch on the wall and a box of history sitting on the shelf. Hello dead dreams, hello triggers. There’s a mother and her child in the next room. Hello aspiration, hello wish. The moments explode. A rude hush from the day I’ve longed to escape from. And here I am, reaching into the future and the past. The day starts over and I muster up the balls to go to “work.” Work, where I can’t be an artist, only a functional member of a decayed society. I collect broken people and the decay seeps into the clientele. My name is not “Hey you!” I only respond to “action!” not “hey you!” Hello world, how may I help you today?