Dirt Proof Shovel

“You are going to appear on a talk show. The producer comes backstage to elicit a funny story that the host should focus on. Write the story like a monologue you’re giving on national TV.”

The way shit is made makes no sense in the world to me. I mean, look at things that are now waterproof and washable. Keyboards,  you can buy a washable plastic keyboard. That makes sense, for women, a cup of coffee may find it’s way onto your keys as you’re checking your Facebook angrily. Men…same scenario but it’s not Facebook and it’s not angrily that you are combing through photos and videos. Keystrokes are why you need a waterproof keyboard. Just comes right off.  Cell phones, more and more are being made waterproof. The ads show a very happy person underwater, like hugging an electric eel, or dropping their phone in quicksand, cut to an even happier almost orgasmic version of that person quickly running their phone under some water and it’s like brand new. Women, it’s not uncommon to drop your phone in the sink while doing dishes, or in the toilet because your bra couldn’t hold onto your phone, or your back pocket isn’t deep enough. You stand up off the damn toilet and you hear that, that agonizing splash. And if you’re in a shitty gas station bathroom, there’s not rice readily accessible to you. Men…hashtag baby batter. Come on! No literally you can cum on…

Washable Keyboard

Seriously though, someone needs to inform fast food restaurants of this marvelous concept. I went through a drive thru, because I couldn’t go around, it’d be a drive around. Like a reach around without the prize. I ordered the largest Dr. Pepper possible. My best friend is in the passenger seat, and he also gets a large Dr. Pepper. As we pull out, I go to set my drink in the cup holder, and wouldn’t you know, that bastard isn’t big enough. That’s what she said. No it fit just fine, I just needed an excuse to complain about the bullshit generic size of cup holders in the car, because not all drinks fit in there. Anyways, so we turn out of the fast food place, I reach over, pick up my drink and as the straw gets to my lips, the whole bottom of the paper cup falls out, and I have ice cold Dr. Pepper literally covering my entire crotch and it’s just sitting there in a perfect puddle in my bucket seat. I pick my ass up, so I’m driving like this (make pose) screaming at my friend who has no napkins so grabs my jacket and starts slapping my twat with it, mean while I am swerving across the road. Literally, my friend had to cork me with my own jacket. There’s no graceful way to drive in ice cold soda with a jacket half hanging out of your vagina while said vagina is being slapped around by your friend. She was angry, confused, cold, and a little excited at the prospect of a Dr. filling her void. (point to crotch) All I’m saying is, perhaps we have the technology and resources to build a better cup. I don’t feel like a liquid proof cup is an outrageous request. Not anymore outrageous than, oh say, a dirt proof shovel.

Waterproof Mug

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s