We all have our favorite shows, we all have at one point thought how
cool it would be to actually be on one of our favorite shows, I can’t
tell you how it pains me so that I will never be on ER, Will and
Grace, or LOST. And then it occurred to me, there actually is a
current show, right now, that would actually be a plausibility, and
then my gears wound up devising a plan. I am sad to report I have no
real plan but it is my mission to get on Orange Is The New Black.
I got to thinking, why does this show seem so reachable? There are
many reasons, but I think to simplify it, it’s because its a prison
show with potential to be on air, or streaming for quite some time in
the future. It has long term potential because prisons by nature are a
revolving door of people. People come people go, there are constants
but many variables which in writing terms is a dream. And listen,
nobody is glammed up or dressed extravagantly. Now Im not saying the
cast isn’t full of beautiful women but come on, they look like people.
They don’t look like hollywood, they look like people we all know.
Right there boom, that’s my “in” as it were. I look like people. I am
not a beautiful girl, I’m not drop dead gorgeous. But that’s what the
show does so well, it’s not about made up beautiful people, and that
leaves just these women’s personalities and acting chops. This, I’m
telling you, this is where I belong.
I remember seeing a comedy special by Monique, years ago, it was
called “I Coulda Been Your Cellmate.” It sounds crazy as hell, but
that special really made me look at prison and jail in a different
light. The undertone was simple, we are all one decision away from
being somebody’s cell mate. And then the special went a bit further,
Monique asked the crowd if anybody had a talent or could sing. The
women all started shouting and pointing at one person, It was bizarre
to me that these women were behaving like me and my friends, it hit
me, they were people like me and my friends. The woman got up and
started singing, and I tell you, she had an angelic voice. And Monique
told her she didn’t know what she did to get in there, but she better
get out and never look back. I always remembered that, and OITNB
reinforces how my opinion broadened with knowledge.
I think we are all jaded when it comes to our idea of what prison is.
I think we imagine the murderers and rapists and our hearts are cold.
But I think everyone has a story and everyone arrived at that
destination differently. I don’t think the show glorifies the
criminal, it acknowledges that as a consequence to our actions we
sometimes have to serve time. It does however, humanize the criminal.
There is more to it that death row inmates, serial killers, child
molesters and things of that nature, things are in our predisposition
to think about prisons. Now, not to get too serious, there are in fact
some stereotypes and things that creator Jenji Kohan and her array of
actresses have some fun with. Lesbian shower sex, the sneaking of
contraband into the prison, and the notion that COs are for the most
part dicks. With the unique brand of humor comes more humanizing
qualities. I heart Jenji, from Weeds to now, I think she is brilliant.
So that is in a nutshell why I could totally pull off a role on OITNB.
I have a unique sense of humor with a not so hollywood bombshell
exterior that I believe would mesh well with the entire cast. Listen,
to be blunt, I’ll do whatever they ask of me, as long as there will be
no repeats involving hardware tools. This show is a platform for
people who might not otherwise be known, MIXED with some of my
favorites who are well known. Natasha Lyonne, as I live and breath is
one of the most interesting unique people in show biz, Laura Prepon is
phenomenal, Danielle Brooks is hysterical and yet relatable, we all
have a Taystee in our group and we love her, I mean the list goes on
and on. Patty fucking Mayonnaise is on the show, enough said. Kate
Mulgrew, what? And what discussion of OITNB would be complete without
Taryn Manning, oh my Tucky girl. Laverne Cox has some balls to be
doing what she’s doing I gotta say. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to be
a part of this???
SO how am I going to convince Jenji and her team to at least give me
an audition? I haven’t a clue, but I decided to utilize my social
media sites as a jumping off point. Ive seen people spreading videos
of themselves or messages they have to celebrities by engaging their
social sites and their circle among those sites to retweet, reblog,
and share their links or videos or message. Why can’t I start by doing
that? Anybody who knows me knows that I have made up my mind, I am
going for it and I will find a way. And more importantly they know
what a good fit this would be, like a glove. They know I have a
character in me that would do a number of things to make it on the
show, why she’d sleep with Alex, talk politics with Piper, dance with
Taystee, talk shit with Poussey, pick up chicks with Boo, shower with
Nicky, catch a chicken for Red, smoke a joint with Yoga Jones,
comfort Morello, clean the bathroom with Suzanne, help Daya with baby
names, and she’d even tolerate Pornstache. Any and all of those
things. So what do you guys think? Should I tweet once a day, should I
contain everything on my blog, should I post videos, what do you guys
think would be the best, most effective way of getting Jenji’s
attention? Let me know, and thank you in advance, this is going to be
a group effort and I am grateful.