I don’t know how many times people tell me, oh you’re so funny, oh you’re so unique, oh you’re so eclectic and interesting…and yet, they judge me for being different. I’m not white enough. I’m not hispanic enough. I’m not gay enough, I’m not straight enough. I’m not soft enough, I’m too sensitive. I’m too rebellious, I don’t stand up for myself. I’m too sweet, I’m a bitch. What the fuck is it? The worst part is this, their judgements, make me doubt every single choice I make and have made. Are they projecting? Maybe they are, but it doesn’t matter because I still doubt myself. I’m too stupid to talk myself out of it, yet smart enough to know it’s their issue not mine. Well shit, now it is my issue because it gets to me.
I’m magnetic. Have been my whole life. As a teen I was the “voice” of the group. The class clown who has always battled demons with humor. People came out to me by the dozens it seemed. I was comforting and strong, so they thought. I had a girlfriend in high school, didn’t care what anybody thought, I loved her. I was the stepping stone. Into my twenties, chances are if you were a female friend of mine, you eventually came out to me. When I had a boyfriend it wasn’t groundbreaking and the heteros didn’t need comforting. I wanted to be the cool kid in school, so instead of going to class, I ditched basically every day. I had a car, people jumped in with me, I was the rebel who was too cool for school. But at the same time, when I showed up to class, I made everybody laugh including the teachers. I am always stuck between two worlds. What the hell is that shit? Judgement has always been in my face and I have laughed at it. Problem is, I always felt alone, trust is a foreign concept that I’m not in-tune with.
And so it continued into my late twenties. I’m the “mama” in the group. Young people in my life look up to me and I appreciate it so very much, but I’m always terrified of ruining their lives. What if they take me seriously? Wait, what if they don’t take me seriously? Why waste my energy if I’m just being judged by all of them. It’s all very confusing and it makes me feel completely insane. Am I a good person? I try to be. But if I am, why have so many bad bad people been drawn in by my magnetism? Maybe it’s all just horse shit. I don’t have any funny quips or witty phrases sometimes. And then people ask why I’m sad. Is that all the fuck I am to people? The funny girl. It’s been this way my whole life.
In elementary school and middle school, I played football with the boys. I was just one of the guys, but when there happened to be a boy I liked around, boy did the judgement fly. As I reached my preteens and teens I dated many guys who we now know were gay. It was painfully obvious looking at it now, and let me tell you, judgement existed in a hostile manner when I was a kid. Nobody knew why I was the way I was. They didn’t know I was a cutter. They didn’t know I was often missing class because I was in the school counselor’s office. In high school, they didn’t know a lot of dark things about me. They didn’t know I was spending a lot of time with my english teacher, alone in her classroom during her zero hour. Shelly, I’ll call her, she had a husband, kids, the picket fence, but she put all that on the line for me, I thought I loved her. Hindsight shows how inappropriate that whole situation was, only as an adult do I grasp what was really going on. They didn’t know I was a writer. Nobody ever read my stuff, never wanted them to, what for? So they could judge me some more. And all of these things, they have come with me to adulthood and I still feel as lost as I did then. I’m still paranoid and afraid for people to read my stuff. I’m still afraid to tell people all the truths that made me the funny bitch that I am. Afraid to be judged.
Guess what, I’m judging them for judging me. A world in which judgement does not exist, is a world with no life. Animals in their carnal ways judge each other. Females judge males based on their size, color, vocal abilities you name it. She won’t sleep with the small guy, or the ugly guy. Why? To ensure the survival of the strongest possible offspring. Is that why judgement is so engrained in us? Because we are animals? Is it our paleo duty? I have judged, I am judged. That’s just the way it is. I want it to be different. Take my job for example, I judge the assholes who feel that I do not deserve equal pay, and continue paying me at least two dollars less than every other person with the exception of one. I judge child molesters, rapists, child murderers. I do. I judge them even though I am not ignorant to the the idea that their cycles have brought them there. Maybe they were abused, raped themselves. I get it. But at the same time, I know many women who have been abused in some way and did NOT become murderers. I could very easily have become a junkie or a criminal but I CHOSE different things for myself. I believe we all have the power of choice, we are in charge of our own lives even when bad things happen to us. But I still judge. Guilty.
Self esteem, that’s what it comes down to doesn’t it. Not feeling worthy. What if, I am as dumb as they say? What if I am as ugly as they say? Does that make them the swine or me? What if my insecurities are truth? What if…I don’t feel good enough about myself to fight the judgmental fucks…and I just give up? Most of the time that’s what I want to do, stop laughing and telling jokes, and just fucking give up. I don’t wanna be “mama” to everyone I meet. Even though that’s when I feel like I’m worth a damn. The truth, I’m not worth their time. I am the girl who doesn’t have a future, I did nothing with my life. I work my ass off, live check to check, and can’t do the things I daydream about. I’m not a writer. I’m not what people think, both positive and negative thoughts. I’m not anything but a hamster in a wheel. Going nowhere, so why the fuck do they judge me if I’m so insignificant?